AMJOCK.COM Confessions of Brian Pierce, a morning radio disc jockey.

This is one of my favorite stories - because it’d be one of my first radio stories. 

I hadn’t been in the business 6 months when on WCVS @ 6pm, I uttered the words, "Cosmetic Testicles."  I was accused of saying, "Rubber Balls" - but I defended myself by saying, "Nope, I said Cosmetic Testicles."  I was coming out of a newscast with the late Marty Wright.  That day I’d received in the mail - a catalog from a medical supply warehouse.  It was full of rubber hands and steel knee-caps.  As I told the story, Marty chimed in, "I bet there’s one thing that’s NOT in there."  I shot back, "Nope they’re in here……COSMETIC TESTICLES!"  I held up the picture in the catalog for Marty to see, and there was a man wearing strap on testicles!!!  We both laughed hard and I hit the song.

As fate would have it, the song I started was, "Red Rubber Ball."  If you’re old enough, you remember it.  I hadn’t planned this.  It was fate that was the next song.  I was too green in the business at that point to have considered this second punch-line.  The HOTLINE rang almost immediately.  It was the Program Director Jim Palmer.  He asked calmly, "Did you just say Rubber Balls on the air?"  I said, "No Jim, I said C.T.."  Without pause, he asked me to meet with him in the GM’s office early the next day.  

After sweating about 15 hours, I met with Ken Spengler & Jim in Kens office.  I thought my young radio career was over.  Spengler proceeds to ask, "Son, what on Earth posessed you to go on my family station at 6pm during the dinner hour and say "Rubber Balls?"  You know my comeback by now.  He said, C.T. or rubber balls - it’s the same thing - if you ever ever ever pull something like this again, you are history!"

I hadn’t uttered the word testicles on the air for 30 years - until just recently when I told this story on WNNS.  The Governor had used the word with the media - and I followed the discussion with a song.  You guessed it.  RED RUBBER BALL.

Occasionally I’ll say something that incites a negative reaction.  It doesn’t happen often.  In maturity, I’ve learned how to say what needs to be said and not make the GM’s phone ring.  But, before the maturity - with wreckless abandon - often I’d spout things people found offensive.  This one made the GM’s phone ring.  Seemed pretty tame.  But enter the concerns of famine & children - and voila - tasteless joke.  This was about the time Bob Geldof was suggesting we "Feed the World."  I heard the joke earlier that day.  It was a thinking mans joke.  I laughed for 30 minutes.  Surely everyone would enjoy this little jewel.  The punchline is subtle - my kind of joke.  I cracked the mic with: "What’s the fastest animal on the planet?  An Ethopian Chicken!!"  HAHAHAHA - thud.  I was on air within 30 minutes expressing my apologies for being so insensitive.  I haven’t done any starvation bits since.

There I was looking at a story about how Coca Cola takes road tar off your car.  It really does.  The acidic nature of Coke, melts away road tar like magic.  I couldn’t wait to get on the air with this information.  After all, everyone has run their car through road tar at some time.  Songs over - here’s my chance.  Might as well embellish the story a bit while I’m at it.  I break in with the Coke news - and then add that Dixie Beer takes rust off lawn furniture.  Quick simple - stupid punch line - or so I thought.  The shit flies almost immediately.  Coke calls the station to cancel their $100,000 ad campaign - and Dixie Brewery officials want to know what I just said.  The next day, there I was on air back-tracking on what I said the day prior - something like, "I would much rather drink Coke than waste it on cleaning my car with it - and that thing about Dixie cleaning lawn furniture, well, I just plain made that up!!"  We got the Coke money back the next day and Dixie the day after that, and I had learned a lesson.  Say whatever I want, about anybody I want - as long as they’re not spending money on the station.  With hindsight I should have used RC & Pabst.