AMJOCK.COM Confessions of Brian Pierce, a morning radio disc jockey.

I don’t remember the story, but I do remember the station.  KLLS San Antonio 1982.  I was really hitting my stride as an air personality.  I used to prepare things I wanted to do on air, but back then I often "winged it."  I recall believing that comedy in it’s purest form is unscripted.  This led me to shoot from the hip to leave my mind free to explore the "here and now."  So, there I was with a story I decided to tell.  It was a great story.  I’d told it several times off air, and ran through in my mind how I was going to tell it on air.  I crack the mic.  Things are going well.  I’m impressing myself with my story telling ability.  Then, suddenly without warning - just at the climactic ending of the story - the part of the story that made the whole story make sense - the punch line that was the reason I wanted to tell the story in the first place - I FORGOT COMPLETELY WHAT IT WAS I WAS GOING TO SAY.  I paused, thinking it might come to me.  It didn’t.  There I was on the #1 station in drive time saying "uuuhhhhh!"  I hit the commercial.  Sure as Hell, the line came to me seconds later - but the moment was lost.  Then the control room door flew open.  It was my Program Director.  "What was THAT Pierce?"  I nervously laughed.  He did too - then mentioned on the way out, "Why not write it down next time?"  Write it down?  At this point I’d been on air 7 years and it’d never occured to me to write anything down.  I was so embarrased that day, I began to write things down and take notes as I proceed through the day.  I take so many notes, that now I’m known for my "scratch paper" I insist being available at all times.  In all the years since, I’ve not been embarrased like THAT again.

There I was looking at a story about how Coca Cola takes road tar off your car.  It really does.  The acidic nature of Coke, melts away road tar like magic.  I couldn’t wait to get on the air with this information.  After all, everyone has run their car through road tar at some time.  Songs over - here’s my chance.  Might as well embellish the story a bit while I’m at it.  I break in with the Coke news - and then add that Dixie Beer takes rust off lawn furniture.  Quick simple - stupid punch line - or so I thought.  The shit flies almost immediately.  Coke calls the station to cancel their $100,000 ad campaign - and Dixie Brewery officials want to know what I just said.  The next day, there I was on air back-tracking on what I said the day prior - something like, "I would much rather drink Coke than waste it on cleaning my car with it - and that thing about Dixie cleaning lawn furniture, well, I just plain made that up!!"  We got the Coke money back the next day and Dixie the day after that, and I had learned a lesson.  Say whatever I want, about anybody I want - as long as they’re not spending money on the station.  With hindsight I should have used RC & Pabst.

New Orleans circa 1983.  Every hour, every Thursday it was "Thirsty Thursday" at B-97.  The correct caller won a case of soda and a case of DIXIE LONGNECKS.  The beer truck arrived at the station each week and loaded our prize closet with 24 cases of beer.  For three straight years this went on.  In the politically correct times we live in now, it’s hard to imagine we were on the air giving away beer to the correct caller.  Sure, the winner had to be "of age" to collect the prize, but this was on a station that had an Arbitron weekly cume rating among teens 12-17 of 78.  Looking back, it seemed so matter of fact when sometimes I added "a carton of menthol cigarettes" to the package.  Back then cigarettes were about $15 a carton.  I simply gave the receptionist cash from my own pocket to give to the winner.  One of our big advertisers at the time was DAIQUIRIS.  This was a "Baskin-Robbins esque" daiquiri joint that sold daiquiris in giant go cups from drive up windows.  Often I gave away these daiquiris too.  I was giving away beer, cigs & tasty rum drinks on air.  These were the days in the city that care forgot.